Sometimes songs change meanings...

I.. LOVE.. BRAD.. PAISLEY. 

He is funny and he cracks me up with his quirky songs, but then he has a love song and BAM! I would like to think of this song as kind of a love song. 

You see, I met my husband online. On eHarmony to be exact. I was reluctant. I was scared. Because I thought I would get some weird guy that smells and has no ambition. 

Here's the secret to online dating (YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PAY THE MONEY) Well, someone paid the money for me to be on it, but it worked. I met the best guy in the whole wide world. 

Watch the video to familiarize yourself with this song. Then read my comparison. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE6iAjEv9dQ 

I laughed out loud listening to this song... until a client changed the channel. Sometimes you need to laugh, and I TRULY believe that the Lord has one amazing sense of humor, because I once thought this song was funny, in a like "Haha, I'll never online date again." Until I heard it yesterday, It reminded me of my wonderful Husband, who... no, we don't have our lives together, but I wouldn't want to do life with anyone else! He's my favorite. 

Enjoy. 

Online

Brad Paisley

I work down at the Pizza Pit   (Josh works at Pizza By the Guy)
And I drive and old Hyundai   (It's an old mercury Mystique)
I still live with my mom and dad       (We both do/did)
I'm 5'3 and overweight

I'm a sci-fi fanatic
Mild asthmatic
Never been to 2nd base
But there's a whole another me
That you need to see
Go check out Myspace       (Facebook... LOL)

'Cause online I'm down in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in Karate
And I love a good glass of wine   (Thank you sweet Jesus that he didn't lie online in his eHarmony profile)

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
So much cooler online

I get home, I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack (His mom made his breakfast and lunch for the day.)
I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up my Mac (his Mac is currently in our basement... at my parents)

In real life, the only time I've
Ever even been to L.A.
Was when I got the chance with the marching band 
To play tuba in the Rose Parade (Josh has been to the Rose Bowl, played the Tuba, loves Marching Band)

Online I live in Malibu
I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ
I'm single and I'm rich
And I got a set of six pack abs that'll blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online (Josh is cooler in real life)
Yeah I'm cooler online

When you got my kinda stacks, it's hard to get a date (This is a lie, because he's my favorite)
Let alone a real girlfriend (Now he Has a wife)
But I grow another foot
And I lose a bunch of weight every time I log in

Online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day, I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online

Hey, I'm cooler online
(Yeah he's cooler online)

I'm so much cooler online

I'm so much cooler online
(Yeah he's cooler, yeah)

Oh yeah

Songwriters: Brad Paisley / Charles Dubois / Chris Dubois / John Lovelace / Kelley Lovelace

Online lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Grou

My Lady at the Library and the Mustard Seed

I have a ton of "there was this lady at the library today..." stories. I frequently like to tell my crazy outlandish stories of these characters that I find while taking my clients out in the community. You see things from a different light. You notice things you wouldn't have noticed before. Life is crazy and I like to delight in the crazy. Then, when it's not crazy, there are gems. sweet little tiny heartfelt gems. This gem, is about... my FAVORITE lady I met at the Library back in mid October.

Daviess County Public Library is unlike any other Library I have ever experienced. It allows pretty much everything. Except... sleeping. No kidding. I mean you can eat, drink, talk loud, HECK! I've had a lady cuss up a storm because she dropped her drink and her bike was in the lobby illegally.

It's a magical place!

Okay, Okay...  back to my Lady.

It's mid October, and I am with a participant, participating in the first Thursday of the Month craft. Yes, it's true. Daviess County Public Library has so many activities planned and my favorite was the FREE craft on the first Thursday of the month. So, my participant and I were coloring away, having a great time when my Lady walks up, sits down next to us and we strike up a conversation.

You guys, this is golden, this is my FAVORITE GOD MOMENT LATELY.

My participant goes upstairs to read some books and I continue to color my bowl when she asks me what my job is. I go on to explain that my job is to help adults with special needs feel comfortable within the community. I explained that I didn't feel like this was my forever job, but it was indeed where the Lord wanted me to be. This small conversation led to her telling me about her background and how she thought that she was ready to get back into the world of working again. She explained how she really enjoyed paperwork... (What?) and following the rules and regulations (What, What?) and she did it before when she lived in Mississippi (What, What WHAT??) NO WAY JOSE! Because guess what?! My job was looking for someone to do just that! So I passed on her information to our Human Resources and... well I wish the story ended happy...

MY LADY GOT THE JOB!! Not only did she get the job, she excelled at the job. She caught us up on stuff and she fit right in. It was so great... until two weeks ago.

When we all found out that our branch is closing...

However, we still serve a Mighty Lord who didn't bring my Lady for nothing. We are all really down in the dumps over the recent changes. The dust has sort of settled, and salt is almost washed out of the wounds and we are beginning to recover from a heavy, heavy blow. All 6 of us in Owensboro are continuing on different paths. Some are unsure of their future and some know.

I'm in the unsure boat.

Last week (Which feels like months ago) I was really stressing over the possibly outcome of finding a job. My Lady walks into my office and gives me a necklace that she had been wearing. It has a mustard seed in it. She told me "Amanda, God didn't send us to each other for nothing. There is a reason and you just have to have faith. Even if it's the size of a mustard seed. that's all it takes. Faith the size of a mustard seed"

I was eating dinner today for the first time in a while with my mom, enjoying her company and just thinking about my impending doom when I remembered that "Faith of a mustard seed" I don't need a lot, I just need some. I know that the Lord's ways are better than mine, and I say it all of the time, you guys... God is good. We will never get to know how he works. Or why things turn out the way they do. We are allowed to feel pain and be upset. We aren't robots. I'm so incredibly encouraged by my mustard seed tonight and just remembering that it's a little bit of faith that I need. Not the field worth... one seed.

My boat will float soon, and it will be even more than I ever imagined. God Promised that in Ephesians. Ephesians 3:20"  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us to him be the glory..." It's God's anyway.

My Lady helped remind me that I don't need the field, it's not because I don't believe God enough. It's because he's working things out for his timing. His plan is perfect. I could go on for days...

A mustard seed. Faith of a mustard seed.

My life is so random!!

I'm a YoungLife Leader here in Owensboro and I recently decided to take on the GINORMOUS responsibility of being the team leader for Apollo High School. With great power comes great responsibility!! Yes, I know, super hero reference. ( I am a nanny for 3 boys...)

So with that I went to the school today for lunch. Lunch was terrible. We've all heard of #ThanksMichelleObama (If you haven't.. google it.) The lunches I saw made me laugh and get grossed out all at the same time. It's pretty hilarious. The thing that never ceases to amaze me, is how "cool" I am now, compared to the dorky, annoying, church loving, teenager I was back in High School who stood behind her older brother hoping that proximity would make me part of the cool kids.. It didn't happen. BUT NOW! It's all different... I am the cool kid, I am the person that everyone wants to be around and it's so strange, and I'm not sure I like it! LOL. Anyway, I love being a YL leader.

SO... I get done hanging out with some kids who all ate lunches that I laughed at... and I leave to go eat my very own lunch. I'm on a health kick... which is kicking me more than I'm kicking it! I went to get some lunch and then I had this great, great, GREAT, idea that I should spend the free 40 minutes I have cleaning out the van!!!! Yeah, so I knew full well that I am not supposed to wash the van. I have been told by the family I work for, not to wash the van because paint is chipping and it looks bad, and one time I was with all of the kids and the side runner of the van... fell off. From then on I agreed not to go through a car wash. Note, not go through. So I'm at this place where you can vacuum out your vehicle for $1. It will get you 4 minutes. Well I love me a good race! So there I went, raging a war between the cheerios and smashed granola bars, after I emptied a dumpster full of to-go cups and granola bar wrappers. I get done (It took me 8 minutes) and I see this beautiful self-serve car wash. SO.. I think to myself... Oh, I'll just spray it down. I spray it, and guess what?! IT'S SOAPY! So I have soap all over my van, I.. try to get water, not soap, to come out, and I can't. I run out of money, which first  machine only took dollars, so I take my soap filled van into another stall to rinse it off put the two dollars in, in quarters and it wouldn't turn on. So I am left with the decision to drive with a soapy car, or go through the... dun.. dun.. dun.. car wash.

All of this made me late for pick-up at school...

BUT. the van is semi-clean. SO... that's good, right?!

The ferris wheel we call "life"

When I got back on the blog and read some of my old posts, it just reminded me of how things stay the same, but also of how things change, but really, how we complete the same life cycle over and over and over again. Birds eat worms, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, just the same as we are awesome at repeating our own cycles in life. Life is so funny like that. I pray for God to provide my needs, and he does... then all of a sudden how he has provided for me isn't good enough anymore and I need someone to hold my hand as I embark on my next adventure. It's the same cycle, the same ferris wheel. 

Since I last blogged some has changed, Not a lot, but some. I still live at home, I still have a very large, awesome mountain of student debt, I still want to serve the Lord in whatever way he leads me. I want to serve him with my whole heart and care less about what my neighbors think. That stuff hasn't changed. However, I am still a Nanny (to a different family, who will undoubtedly be my last family I will ever nanny for) I am a YoungLife Leader (which has been the best decision of my entire life), I teach Sunday School for three year olds... And I still don't know what God wants me to do. You know what? I don't think he wants us to know. He likes the ferris wheel. If we were at a carnival with God, he would make us ride the ferris wheel of life with him, and this is how I see my conversation with God going:

Me: "Why can't I find out exactly where you want me to be"

God: "Because then your life would be over and you wouldn't have to search anymore"

Me: "I just want to please you and make you happy, How do I know if I'm doing that?"

God: "You are?" 

Me: " But how?"

And then the ride would be over and we would get off, God would walk away, I would tear up, and he would look over his shoulder and smile at me, point to the ferris wheel and we would watch it start to go up.

As long as I'm serving the Lord, I'm pleasing him. As long as I'm looking for ways to show his love to others, then I'm pleasing him, He's happy with me. It's when I start to seek approval from others or do things my way because I think I know what's best. I don't. I've messed up plenty in my 28 years of life. I will also continue to do so, but it's okay. If you don't make mistakes, you can't grow. In the same way, you will never fully understand why God's plans are the way they are. They aren't ours to form. This world is not our own. Crossroads are inevitable. What goes up, must come down. 

The Ferris Wheel Of Life!

I never wanted to Nanny again, ever in my whole entire life. I was hurt worse than I thought humanly possible. BUT, Just like the Ferris Wheel of life keeps going around, so the spokes of the wheels are connected and one thing leads to another. Let me share with you two:

1) I nanny for a family that now has 4 kids. 3 beautiful children (7,5, and almost 2) and a new teen added to the family a few months ago. I have been working with them for  2.5 years. Longest I have consecutively worked for any family. Ever. I honestly love the kids like they were my own. I know what every stage of life officially looks like because I have officially worked with every age from birth to teenager. The fact that I'm yet again, a nanny, is not the connection. I'm a great caregiver. I'm awesome at what I do. I don't say that to sounds cocky, that's what I've been told. That's fact. 

After I left working for the first family after moving to Owensboro, which didn't last too long, I became friends with one of the children's teachers in town. I signed up to be a sub because it was a way for me to get my foot in the door in the school system. Why pass something like this up? So for a semester and a half I subbed for the school system here and I served tables. The next summer I left to work WinShape camps. Same story... It was getting to be the end of camp, I was worrying about a job, except this time, I was fine to sub. I wasn't fine to serve tables. SO... I was working on end of the week paperwork and I checked my email and had one from the teacher I had worked with while nannying. The reason I became a sub in the first place. She had a name of a friend that needed a sitter for her two boys, it was part time. Meaning, I could watch the boys AND STILL sub. It was a great match, So I got home, called the number, and set up a meeting.I told God that I wouldn't do it unless there was a contract, and a lengthy process to get acclimated.I got both.  Long story short, After 2 and a half crazy years, I'm still with the same family. A family that treats me like their own. I don't think I will be a nanny forever, but I know, for a fact that I will be a part of this family forever. Nanny or not. When the Ferris Wheel of this starts to go down, that simple fact is all I need to remember.

2) After becoming the nanny for this family in August, I stopped subbing around January. It was difficult to juggle everything, but I still looked for ways to make money here and there. So, the mom for the family I work for gave me someone's number for a house to clean. I obliged, money is money, and for the most part, I really do enjoy cleaning. So I went. I was wearing an old WinShape shirt which struck up a conversation between me and the wife of the house I was cleaning and she explained that her husband is the only person who works for Chick-Fil-A that doesn't live in Atlanta, but they recently moved to Owensboro from Atlanta. Small world I thought. As I was leaving after cleaning, she invited me over on a Thursday night for a Bible study. She said that it was to help train people who wanted to be a YoungLife leader. Then she said that it would be a good way to meet some friends. (I had been praying about being involved with something and meeting friends). In April of that year I became an Official YoungLife leader and have been ever since. In April of 2015 it will be 2 years. I have met some of the best friends, and have been a part of such a wonderful organization, and watched several high school students realize that their life is worth so much more when they decide to follow their creator. I don't have much of a part in the whole process, but I have some. That makes it worth it.

See if I had never nannied for the first family I would never have met the one I have devoted my last two years to, if I wouldn't have nannied for the family I nanny for now, then I wouldn't have become a YoungLife leader. I know it. YL booths were at our church and I refused to put on my big girl pants and introduce myself. It took me cleaning a house in a WinShape shirt to be a YL leader. Spokes of the Ferris Wheel connected.

So sometimes when things suck, because they will. Just remind yourself that we live in a fallen world where sin exists, it's important to remember that our Ferris Wheel is going to go up.  Things will eventually be okay.  God is good, even when we don't want to believe he is. That his plans are greater than ours! That when we are left crying on the ground, God is looking over his shoulder and smiling at the ferris wheel going up. Chin up, my dears. Things are going to be okay. 

Just ask me first...

I spent all week getting my Dad excited that we were going to clean out the garage. For the first time in my life I had the permission to actually yell back at my father if we disagreed on something he needed to throw away. What it was going to come down to was what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to get rid of.

Let me tell you, he has a LOT of stuff.

On Friday morning we woke up, and he had some severe neck pain, couldn't move his neck left, right, up or down. Severe pain. So we ice packed, heat padded and towel wrapped that sucker up. To no avail he didn't start to feel any better, so I took it as my personal duty to clean that garage myself. I went it guns a blazin' and stuff flyin'. It felt great! I successfully donated and threw away a Ford F-150 truck load of stuff we have been holding onto since birth. In fact, I found my easy bake oven!!!

With the help of my wonderful mom we successfully went through each and every box. Probably close to 30 or 40. No joke.

On Saturday I woke up, went to Goodwill, the dump, and Wal Mart all before noon. When I came home I went back to the garage to start the organizational process. I was in the garage from 12:00 till about 2:00 when I came to a stand still with where I could put things, and when my dad is better we will have to go out there together and clean the rest. From there I crushed all of our coke cans, and mowed the back yard. Which we live on an acre (which to some people is nothing, but to us, going from Detroit with no yard to an Acre... it's a big deal).

This long back story to say: I'm tired....But my dad asked for help, so I helped. Which brings me to my point.

If someone asks me to do something, I am going to do it 100 percent. If it's going to benefit them in anyway I am all in. HOWEVER,  I am the exact opposite when it comes to someone volunteering me or telling me to do something that I don't want to do. I have learned the art of being stubborn. I have more importantly learned the wonderful word NO! I said no today and make someone mad. If I had been asked first it might have been a different story. Going to see a band at a bar is not my thing. Granted, I'm plenty old enough to go to a bar, but it's not really my type of crowd... if you catch my drift. Anyway. When called earlier in the week I was REMINDED and told that I should not make any plans for the weekend because I HAD TO GO TO THIS BENEFIT... at a bar... I don't like bars... I also don't like being called bad names. Honestly, my feelings are hurt and there is no reason they should be.

Okay, so now here is where I get my -I have to help everyone because everyone should be happy- self. If I would have said no in the first place that I didn't want to go I would be PESTERED more than I am now. I knew all along that I wasn't going. Since I first heard about it a month ago. I didn't want to go. So instead of say "no that's not really my thing" I half heartedly agreed and went about my days. So today when I was called for my reminder and asked "Your still going? Right!" Where I should have said "NOPE" I simply replied with an "I guess so". So yes technically it's my fault. I should have been honest from the  beginning.

So to spare stupid details, it ended up with words flying that shouldn't have. Not from my mouth... but needless to say my feeling were hurt, and I really don't care. If I would have been asked first instead of TOLD not to make plans or make something that really isn't a priority to me a priority... Doesn't work for me.

I am an adult, and I don't need anyone to tell me what and how to spend my Saturday night. I was perfectly content with staying home and reading. Which is exactly what I did tonight, and I finished another book. I love reading. Better than a bar.

Oh well... Just ask me first.

Failure...?

The first time I can ever remember failing was in first grade when I didn't pass the eye sight test that they made you take for school. I was legally blind in my left eye but I had no way of knowing. Until I failed that eye sight test and was taken to the eye doctor.

The second time I remember failing something big was my drivers test at 16 years old. I am a great driver, but my speeding gets me in trouble, therefore I failed the drivers test for speeding.

I failed multiple classes in college, causing me to repeat them and eventually change my major.

The Praxis test. Which is what the majority of states require teachers to pass to be a teacher. As well as what my school required you to pass before you could student teach. Hence the reason why I am not a teacher, nor do I think it's what I want to do anymore.

I can't count the number of tests I have failed.

I am not my failures. My failures do not define me. When God closes one door, He always opens another.  Phrases that I hear all the time, phrases that I remind myself of because I need to hear them. However, I don't believe them anymore.

I feel like I have let the Lord down. I feel like I have failed so much that he can't say he is proud of me. I don't understand why anyone would be. My mom tells me she is proud of me. For what? In my 26 years what have I accomplished?

So, have I failed myself? Have I made God proud? How do I know. Honestly, right now... that's the last thing I am feeling. I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray, for my family, for my finances, for my job, for my purpose in life and I am stuck. Am I not praying right? What am I doing wrong?

All I know is God is good. At some point my ferris wheel of life will go up and my Boggle game will find it's vowels. I am just really frustrated with feeling like a failure. I want to know that my life is worth something to the Kingdom of God. Not because of a team I was on, or a ministry I worked for. I want my everyday walk to glorify Christ and I think I'm scared that's where I have failed the most.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I truly love the Lord with all my heart, but am I so concentrated in Him that others see Him through me. Do people who come in contact with me, here in Owensboro, Kentucky see Jesus through me? I was changed this summer when I was "Momma Manders". Let me share with you my reflections of the summer and where I am now.

Summer 5 of WinShape Camps for Communities. Doing  a job I said I NEVER wanted to do. It's funny the saying about telling God your not going to do something and that's exactly where he puts you. That's what happened this passed summer. I walked into my 5th (and what I assume) final summer as the Assistant Director. The glue that holds the team together, the mom of the team. ECT... When I started this summer I had 2 main goals: 1) Not to let Daniel down and 2) Love my team. I accomplished both. It had nothing to do with my ability but everything to do with my director, my team and their call to completing a mission for the Lord. If Christ calls you to something, he is going to get you through something.

It shocks me how much I can love a group of 25 strangers. I mean truly love and care for each and every one of them. I want to know how they are, I want to know what they struggle with, I want to know how I can pray for them, I want to be around them all the time because I do feel like I invested so much into my team that I can't not be involved after camp is over.

Now that you know camp was a success (and I could talk about it forever). The love that I have for my team is no where near the love I should have for my own family. As to which roof I live under. My family who has done and will do everything for me. If not for my family where would I be? Homeless, lacking an education, starved. Even so, I don't love them like Christ calls us to love one another. I don't love my brother  like Christ loves us. Half the time I don't love my Mom the way Christ loves us. Don't get my wrong, I love my family, I just don't love them ENOUGH. Is it because I'm not delighting myself in the Lord?

Not only that, God continues to bless me.  However, I would rather wallow in self pity than praise the Lord for continuing to provide for my needs. Yes I said it. "Woe is me!!" WHATEVER. There are worse things out there than my overwhelming (which yes it is very overwhelming) student debt, my lack of a full time job after graduation. Who needs a full time job when I have (almost) three amazing ones!

When my original plan was to write a venting blog, because face it, that's what everyone wants to read... it turned into a question that I have to ask myself. Am I delighting myself in the Lord? Am I letting him shine through my life and onto the two precious boys I take care of? Onto my students when I get to sub? Onto the people at the bank, or the grocery store, or the other cars driving by?

When we sit and feel sorry for ourselves the Devil wins. When God calls us to do something, we have to do it. There is no complaining, I think back to this summer when, at times, I wanted to quit. I didn't I pressed on toward the goal, and that was to complete the summer. In the end I gained lifelong friendships.

I don't know what else is next in my future. I don't know if God is calling me to be single for the rest of my life and live at home till my parents go to the Lord themselves, but beyond making myself proud, or my parents proud. I just want to make God proud. I want to live my life for Him. I truly think that is what Delighting yourself in the Lord truly is. God is good all the time. He deserves my best. Not my leftovers. So, even though the future isn't clear for me. I think I can finally say it's OKAY.

*** This is not what I was intending this post to be like. Please know that the Lord spoke through me in writing this and I hope it touches whoever might read it. ***