Failure...?

The first time I can ever remember failing was in first grade when I didn't pass the eye sight test that they made you take for school. I was legally blind in my left eye but I had no way of knowing. Until I failed that eye sight test and was taken to the eye doctor.

The second time I remember failing something big was my drivers test at 16 years old. I am a great driver, but my speeding gets me in trouble, therefore I failed the drivers test for speeding.

I failed multiple classes in college, causing me to repeat them and eventually change my major.

The Praxis test. Which is what the majority of states require teachers to pass to be a teacher. As well as what my school required you to pass before you could student teach. Hence the reason why I am not a teacher, nor do I think it's what I want to do anymore.

I can't count the number of tests I have failed.

I am not my failures. My failures do not define me. When God closes one door, He always opens another.  Phrases that I hear all the time, phrases that I remind myself of because I need to hear them. However, I don't believe them anymore.

I feel like I have let the Lord down. I feel like I have failed so much that he can't say he is proud of me. I don't understand why anyone would be. My mom tells me she is proud of me. For what? In my 26 years what have I accomplished?

So, have I failed myself? Have I made God proud? How do I know. Honestly, right now... that's the last thing I am feeling. I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray, for my family, for my finances, for my job, for my purpose in life and I am stuck. Am I not praying right? What am I doing wrong?

All I know is God is good. At some point my ferris wheel of life will go up and my Boggle game will find it's vowels. I am just really frustrated with feeling like a failure. I want to know that my life is worth something to the Kingdom of God. Not because of a team I was on, or a ministry I worked for. I want my everyday walk to glorify Christ and I think I'm scared that's where I have failed the most.