Just ask me first...

I spent all week getting my Dad excited that we were going to clean out the garage. For the first time in my life I had the permission to actually yell back at my father if we disagreed on something he needed to throw away. What it was going to come down to was what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to get rid of.

Let me tell you, he has a LOT of stuff.

On Friday morning we woke up, and he had some severe neck pain, couldn't move his neck left, right, up or down. Severe pain. So we ice packed, heat padded and towel wrapped that sucker up. To no avail he didn't start to feel any better, so I took it as my personal duty to clean that garage myself. I went it guns a blazin' and stuff flyin'. It felt great! I successfully donated and threw away a Ford F-150 truck load of stuff we have been holding onto since birth. In fact, I found my easy bake oven!!!

With the help of my wonderful mom we successfully went through each and every box. Probably close to 30 or 40. No joke.

On Saturday I woke up, went to Goodwill, the dump, and Wal Mart all before noon. When I came home I went back to the garage to start the organizational process. I was in the garage from 12:00 till about 2:00 when I came to a stand still with where I could put things, and when my dad is better we will have to go out there together and clean the rest. From there I crushed all of our coke cans, and mowed the back yard. Which we live on an acre (which to some people is nothing, but to us, going from Detroit with no yard to an Acre... it's a big deal).

This long back story to say: I'm tired....But my dad asked for help, so I helped. Which brings me to my point.

If someone asks me to do something, I am going to do it 100 percent. If it's going to benefit them in anyway I am all in. HOWEVER,  I am the exact opposite when it comes to someone volunteering me or telling me to do something that I don't want to do. I have learned the art of being stubborn. I have more importantly learned the wonderful word NO! I said no today and make someone mad. If I had been asked first it might have been a different story. Going to see a band at a bar is not my thing. Granted, I'm plenty old enough to go to a bar, but it's not really my type of crowd... if you catch my drift. Anyway. When called earlier in the week I was REMINDED and told that I should not make any plans for the weekend because I HAD TO GO TO THIS BENEFIT... at a bar... I don't like bars... I also don't like being called bad names. Honestly, my feelings are hurt and there is no reason they should be.

Okay, so now here is where I get my -I have to help everyone because everyone should be happy- self. If I would have said no in the first place that I didn't want to go I would be PESTERED more than I am now. I knew all along that I wasn't going. Since I first heard about it a month ago. I didn't want to go. So instead of say "no that's not really my thing" I half heartedly agreed and went about my days. So today when I was called for my reminder and asked "Your still going? Right!" Where I should have said "NOPE" I simply replied with an "I guess so". So yes technically it's my fault. I should have been honest from the  beginning.

So to spare stupid details, it ended up with words flying that shouldn't have. Not from my mouth... but needless to say my feeling were hurt, and I really don't care. If I would have been asked first instead of TOLD not to make plans or make something that really isn't a priority to me a priority... Doesn't work for me.

I am an adult, and I don't need anyone to tell me what and how to spend my Saturday night. I was perfectly content with staying home and reading. Which is exactly what I did tonight, and I finished another book. I love reading. Better than a bar.

Oh well... Just ask me first.

Failure...?

The first time I can ever remember failing was in first grade when I didn't pass the eye sight test that they made you take for school. I was legally blind in my left eye but I had no way of knowing. Until I failed that eye sight test and was taken to the eye doctor.

The second time I remember failing something big was my drivers test at 16 years old. I am a great driver, but my speeding gets me in trouble, therefore I failed the drivers test for speeding.

I failed multiple classes in college, causing me to repeat them and eventually change my major.

The Praxis test. Which is what the majority of states require teachers to pass to be a teacher. As well as what my school required you to pass before you could student teach. Hence the reason why I am not a teacher, nor do I think it's what I want to do anymore.

I can't count the number of tests I have failed.

I am not my failures. My failures do not define me. When God closes one door, He always opens another.  Phrases that I hear all the time, phrases that I remind myself of because I need to hear them. However, I don't believe them anymore.

I feel like I have let the Lord down. I feel like I have failed so much that he can't say he is proud of me. I don't understand why anyone would be. My mom tells me she is proud of me. For what? In my 26 years what have I accomplished?

So, have I failed myself? Have I made God proud? How do I know. Honestly, right now... that's the last thing I am feeling. I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray, for my family, for my finances, for my job, for my purpose in life and I am stuck. Am I not praying right? What am I doing wrong?

All I know is God is good. At some point my ferris wheel of life will go up and my Boggle game will find it's vowels. I am just really frustrated with feeling like a failure. I want to know that my life is worth something to the Kingdom of God. Not because of a team I was on, or a ministry I worked for. I want my everyday walk to glorify Christ and I think I'm scared that's where I have failed the most.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I truly love the Lord with all my heart, but am I so concentrated in Him that others see Him through me. Do people who come in contact with me, here in Owensboro, Kentucky see Jesus through me? I was changed this summer when I was "Momma Manders". Let me share with you my reflections of the summer and where I am now.

Summer 5 of WinShape Camps for Communities. Doing  a job I said I NEVER wanted to do. It's funny the saying about telling God your not going to do something and that's exactly where he puts you. That's what happened this passed summer. I walked into my 5th (and what I assume) final summer as the Assistant Director. The glue that holds the team together, the mom of the team. ECT... When I started this summer I had 2 main goals: 1) Not to let Daniel down and 2) Love my team. I accomplished both. It had nothing to do with my ability but everything to do with my director, my team and their call to completing a mission for the Lord. If Christ calls you to something, he is going to get you through something.

It shocks me how much I can love a group of 25 strangers. I mean truly love and care for each and every one of them. I want to know how they are, I want to know what they struggle with, I want to know how I can pray for them, I want to be around them all the time because I do feel like I invested so much into my team that I can't not be involved after camp is over.

Now that you know camp was a success (and I could talk about it forever). The love that I have for my team is no where near the love I should have for my own family. As to which roof I live under. My family who has done and will do everything for me. If not for my family where would I be? Homeless, lacking an education, starved. Even so, I don't love them like Christ calls us to love one another. I don't love my brother  like Christ loves us. Half the time I don't love my Mom the way Christ loves us. Don't get my wrong, I love my family, I just don't love them ENOUGH. Is it because I'm not delighting myself in the Lord?

Not only that, God continues to bless me.  However, I would rather wallow in self pity than praise the Lord for continuing to provide for my needs. Yes I said it. "Woe is me!!" WHATEVER. There are worse things out there than my overwhelming (which yes it is very overwhelming) student debt, my lack of a full time job after graduation. Who needs a full time job when I have (almost) three amazing ones!

When my original plan was to write a venting blog, because face it, that's what everyone wants to read... it turned into a question that I have to ask myself. Am I delighting myself in the Lord? Am I letting him shine through my life and onto the two precious boys I take care of? Onto my students when I get to sub? Onto the people at the bank, or the grocery store, or the other cars driving by?

When we sit and feel sorry for ourselves the Devil wins. When God calls us to do something, we have to do it. There is no complaining, I think back to this summer when, at times, I wanted to quit. I didn't I pressed on toward the goal, and that was to complete the summer. In the end I gained lifelong friendships.

I don't know what else is next in my future. I don't know if God is calling me to be single for the rest of my life and live at home till my parents go to the Lord themselves, but beyond making myself proud, or my parents proud. I just want to make God proud. I want to live my life for Him. I truly think that is what Delighting yourself in the Lord truly is. God is good all the time. He deserves my best. Not my leftovers. So, even though the future isn't clear for me. I think I can finally say it's OKAY.

*** This is not what I was intending this post to be like. Please know that the Lord spoke through me in writing this and I hope it touches whoever might read it. ***